The third systemic law governs the flow of giving and receiving. It establishes that in every deep bond between adults—partners, friendships, partnerships, therapy—there must be a balance between what is given and what is received. If one person gives much more than they receive, the bond becomes unbalanced and eventually breaks. If one person receives much more than they give, the same happens.
In a partnership, what heals is returning a little more than what is received—not exactly the same. When you give a little more in response to what was received, the other will also want to give a little more. This is how the bond grows. When you return exactly the same, the balance remains static. When you return less, the bond dies.
Between parents and children, this law works differently. Parents give, children receive. Children do not return to their parents what they received—because they couldn’t: life is not returned, it is transmitted. What children receive, they give to their own children. This is how the flow of the clan continues.
When the balance in a partnership breaks down, we see: people who give, give, give and become depleted; people who receive without giving back and feel permanently indebted; bonds where one carries all the emotional work and the other floats until the first one explodes. Restoring balance implies a dual movement: learning to receive (for those who only give) and learning to give (for those who only receive).
Clinical example
A woman becomes exhausted caring for a chronically ill husband for ten years. She gives all the time and receives nothing equivalent—neither economically, emotionally, nor in household care. The bond cools not due to lack of love but due to sustained imbalance. The constellation shows that he also cannot receive so much without feeling crushed. The way out is to state: “I have given a lot. What I give is what I can. What is missing is not my responsibility.”
Illustrative case, anonymized and composed from frequent patterns in Family Constellation sessions.
Evidence and contemporary voices
The concept of balance in relational exchange has been studied in systemic psychology and family therapy from perspectives other than Hellinger's. Harriet Lerner (2002) in her research on forgiveness and reconciliation emphasizes that healthy relationships require emotional reciprocity and perceived equity, although she does not use the term 'balance' in a mystical sense but as a measurable psychological construct. In classic systemic family therapy, Salvador Minuchin (1974) and later Olson et al. (1983) developed models of family cohesion and adaptability where dynamic equilibrium is central, but operationalized through behavioral observation and validated scales, not through energetic fields. Contemporary research in adult attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) documents that reciprocity in giving-receiving is associated with emotional security, but this is explained through neurobiological regulation mechanisms and nervous system activation patterns, not through transcendent systemic laws. There is no peer-reviewed literature that validates Hellinger's specific formulation of 'balance' as a third systemic law with verifiable causal mechanisms.
Verifiable citations
- "Intimate relationships require sustained emotional reciprocity to maintain bond security" — Mario Mikulincer & Phillip R. Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2007).
- "The functional family maintains a dynamic balance between cohesion and adaptability through observable feedback cycles" — David H. Olson, Douglas H. Sprenkle, and Candyce S. Russell, Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems (1983).
Researchers and Key Figures
- Salvador Minuchin — Philadelphia Child Guidance Clinic — structuring of boundaries and balance in family systems
- Harriet Lerner — University of Minnesota — reciprocity and equity in adult relationships
- David H. Olson — University of Minnesota — models of family cohesion and adaptability
- Bert Hellinger — method creator — formulation of 'orders of love' (without empirical validation)
Auditable Sources
Notes and open debates
The Hellingerian formulation of 'balance' as a systemic law lacks empirical operationalization and a verifiable causal mechanism. While systemic psychology recognizes that relational reciprocity is important, controlled studies (Olson, Minuchin, Mikulincer) explain this through observable behavioral patterns and neurobiological regulation, not through energetic fields or transcendent laws. Furthermore, the Hellingerian application of 'balance' has been criticized for justifying victim-blaming dynamics (PSF Foundation, 2024) under the argument that violence 'restores family balance,' which contradicts findings in trauma and attachment neurobiology that show violence generates dysregulation, not balance. There is no academic consensus on whether 'the balance of giving and receiving' is a universal systemic law or a cultural construct specific to the Hellingerian approach.
Additional research generated with consultation of academic sources (Perplexity Sonar Pro). Citations and URLs are the responsibility of their original source; verify before formally citing.
Bibliography
- Love's Orders — Bert Hellinger. Herder, 2001.
- Good Love in Couple Relationships — Joan Garriga. Destino, 2013.
- Family Constellations: Order, Hierarchy, Balance — Brigitte Champetier de Ríos. Editorial Grupo Cero, 2005.
These books are in the reference library that nourishes Constelando el Origen.
Site articles that address this topic
Related terms
Orders of Love
The three systemic laws formulated by Hellinger: belonging, order, and balance. The basis of the entire method.
See entryInterrupted bonding
An early rupture of the bond between a child and their primary attachment figure—usually the mother—that leaves a deep systemic imprint.
See entryFamily system
The living totality of all clan members—living, dead, excluded, unborn—and the deep bonds that govern it.
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If you recognize this dynamic in your own story, a Family Constellation can reveal where it comes from and what movement can bring order to it. Daniela accompanies each case with respect.
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